Bedtimestories for 'pirates'
by d-rose
Summary: You like babysitting too? Versions of PotC that are adapted so that they can be told to little children. OR NOT?
1. Default Chapter

Note; more stories are following.  
  
THE STORY OF THE TERRIBLE CAPTAIN BARBOSSA  
  
Now, promise you will go to sleep nice and without excuses...then I will tell you the story of a captain so evil, that hell itself spat him back out.  
  
*I promise, I promise! Tell me the story.*  
  
There once was a first mate called Barbossa. He and his captain, the famous Jack Sparrow -  
  
*Who is he?? I want to hear more about HIM!*  
  
Sssssh...I will tell you about him some other time.  
  
*Owww...*  
  
Now, do you want me to tell you this story or not?  
  
*Yeah, go on!*  
  
Well, this man Barbossa and his Captain Jack Sparrow sailed off with this grand ship named The Black Pearl, to find the dreaded island Isla de Muerta. An island that cannot be found except by those who already know where it is.  
  
*Then HOW they supposed to find it?!*  
  
Captain Sparrow happened to have a very special compas...A compass that didn't point north.  
  
*A broken compass? Boy, was he stupid*  
  
No no, they needed that very compass. 'Cause, you see, they weren't trying to find north. And their voyage went welll, they were actually really on their way to reach the island. They were veeeery glad...  
  
*What's on that Isla de Moo.. ehm... Moo-something island anyway?*  
  
Isla de Muerta. There was a real treasure of Aztec gold. A treasure in a chest, hidden by Cortes himself.  
  
*Wow!*  
  
But this was not just some gold... It was said that the gold was cursed by heathen gods. Surely enough that rumour did not keep our pirates away.  
  
*They were very brave, weren't they?*  
  
Well, that depends how you look at it. That Sparrow might have been. But Barbossa....hooo was he a bad man! He had a vicious mind. Barbossa went to the captain and said that since everything was an equal share, the captain should tell the location of the treasure too.  
  
*Huh?*  
  
So Sparrow, an honest pirate who lived up to the Code-  
  
*The Code??*  
  
Yes, the Code of the brethren, that was set down by the pirates Morgan and Bartholomew. It contains what you can call 'rules' for pirates, although recently most pirates consider them more to be guidelines. Anyway, that decent pirate captain Jack Sparrow gave up the bearings of the treasure. That night there was a mutiny...Barbossa took the Pearl and marooned Jack Sparrow.  
  
*I know what that is! That is when you leave a man on a deserted island with nothing to eat or drink. Then he will DIE!*  
  
Very good! Indeed, that Sparrow was about to die on a 'godversaken spit of land', so to speak. So now Barbossa was the captain and he found Isla de Muerta. There it was... the chest... the gold. He took it all! He now was a rich man.  
  
*'S not fair...*  
  
Oh, but he sure got what he deserved. You see, after a little while, he realized that something was terribly wrong...  
  
*Haha!*  
  
Food would turn to ashes in his mouth...  
  
*IEW!!!*  
  
Not literally! ... Drink would not satisfy him... And nothing would be a pleasure to him anymore.... He was a cursed man, he was no longer really alife. So that would mean he could not die.  
  
*Was he immortal? Wow, that came in handy!*  
  
Without any pleasures? What would it feel like if YOU weren't able to taste french fries anymore? Or pancakes?  
  
*Ow. Well, I'd rather die.*  
  
Sigh. That's the very opposite. Anyway, d'you know what the worst part of this story is?  
  
*No...*  
  
Every time he went in the moonlight, the light showed him for what he really was...  
  
*What??*  
  
A skeleton!  
  
*YAAAK!*  
  
Are you sure you won't have ay troubles sleeping?  
  
*Uh uh. I will if you don't go on.*  
  
Okay. Well, Barbossa did not like his life like this either. He loved to eat apples so much, that he would do anything to taste one again.  
  
*Apples?!*  
  
Yes, apples. They are very healthy. An apple a day, keeps sickness away.  
  
*Hm.*  
  
There was one way to lift the curse though. He had to return all the pieces of gold.  
  
*Shouldn't there some blood be involved?!*  
  
I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night because you're having nightmares. Now let me continue my story. Barbossa found all scattered pieces, except for one. He had to kidnap a young woman, Eliabeth, who had the last piece and would not hand it over to him just like that.  
  
*Are you sure it goes like this??*  
  
Hush. Fortunately she had a friend who loved her very much and who wanted to save her.  
  
*They are not going to kiss, are they? Yak!*  
  
Sssh, no! Well yes, but not now. That friend, Will, happened to meet...  
  
*Who?*  
  
...Jack Sparrow!  
  
*I thought he was trapped on that deserted island?!*  
  
O, but ofcourse he escaped. I'll tell you his story another time. Anayway, Sparrow wanted his ship back, so he decided to help Will find his girlfriend. I won't go into details right now, but naturally Jack Sparrow and Will eventually reached Isla de Muerta too.  
  
*Wo ho ho! I want those details!*  
  
No no, I will get hopelessly confused here. Let me get to the moral of this story, will you? When Jack Sparrow and Will arrived, Barbossa was just trying to lift the curse.  
  
*How?*  
  
Ooooh, by some terrible bloody ritual, as you wish! But of course Jack was a good fighter, and Will too, so they fought an fought untill...Hmm, got myself trapped here...  
  
*Well? What happened next?*  
  
Hmmm...well, you know, Jack and Will managed to lift the curse and Barbossa was killed at that very same moment. The end!  
  
*Ow. That was it?*  
  
Yes yes, off to bed now!  
  
*This is a bit dissappointing...And what is exactly the moral here?*  
  
What? Oh yes, a moral...Let me think. Wait, here it is:  
  
ONE SHOULD NOT CRAVE FOR APPLES TOO MUCH!!!  
  
*Duh*  
  
. 


	2. True stories about Captain Jack Sparrow

**TRUE STORIES ABOUT CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW**  
  
There you are. Now now, already in bed? That's new to me.  
  
_I wanna hear another story! _  
  
Did you brush your teeth?  
  
_Uh-huh. _  
  
Hm. Are you sure? You don't want to end up with golden teeth when you're grown up, do you?  
  
_Oh nooo! You mean like those mean, filthy pirates have? _  
  
Yes, and I mean one pirate in particular.  
  
_Who? Who do you mean? That birdie pirate? _  
  
Sparrow. That's the one; Jack Sparrow.   
  
_You mean **captain** Jack Sparrow. _  
  
Oh, excuse me! But you're right, he was a captain. Do you want me to tell about him and his beloved ship tonight?  
  
_Yeeeaaah..._  
  
Alright then. There once was this poor, young cartographer whi...  
  
_A what?? _  
  
I was about to explain. A cartographer was someone aboard a ship who drew maps each time the ship had explored new seas and coasts. In the early days people had yet to discover unknown parts of the world, you know. They even thought the earth was flat, like a pancake.  
  
_Really?? They had pancakes in those days? _  
  
I think you miss the point here... Anyway, a cartographer was quite an important job back then.  
  
_So this Captain Jack Sparrow was a carto, um... carta.. Well, a mapper? _  
  
He wasn't a captain at that time yet. Actually not a lot is known about him before he showed up in Tortuga, the famous pirate city. But what I can tell you is that Jack Sparrow wasn't a man with many passions, except for the rum and... the Black Pearl.  
  
_A black pearl? What's the fun of jewels? Beh, what a sissy. _  
  
So you would think, huh? Well, that he wasn't. But the fun of jewelry? How do you think the pirates got their rum in the first place? They needed jewels and gold, in order to buy rum and women.  
  
_Women? _  
  
Yes well, um, forget about that. The Black Pearl I'm talking about was a ship. And not just any ship, nooo... the fastest ship in the entire Caribbean.  
  
_How many nuts? _  
  
What?   
  
_How fast did it go, silly. Did you never play _Regetta Xtreme_ on your Playstation2? _  
  
Um, no. I don't have a Playstation.  
  
_You don't?! Oh. _  
  
The Black Pearl went fast, okay? And this was the lady Jack Sparrow had set his heart on.  
  
_Ho, ho! Now wait a minute, you said ship, not lady. You confuse me. _  
  
Ships are considered to be feminine. Didn't they teach you that in your game?  
  
_Boy, that is SO stupid! Why in the world is that?? _  
  
Well, ships do have these straight, beautiful shapes and move smooth and softly through the waters... elegant like women, you see.  
  
_No, I don't. Yak_  
  
Jack Sparrow did. So one day his dream came true: the simple cartographer became captain of the Pearl.  
  
_He stole it! Uh, her. Eew. _  
  
Probably. Like I said, not a lot is known about these days. But when he came to Tortuga he indeed no longer was a respectable cartographer. He had big plans to go and seek a hidden treasure. 'Cause you see, at his former work, he had lay a hand on this remarkable compass.  
  
_The compass that didn't point north! _  
  
Exactly. And you know what it pointed at instead, don't you? It pointed to Isla de Muerta on wich – as was said- was hidden the enormous lute of the famous Cortez.   
  
_Yeees, I remember... But he never got it, did he? _  
  
Ah ah, I'm telling the story! So Captain Jack Sparrow hired a crew for his Pearl and they sailed off to where the compass led them. The compass actually was a secret and he should have kept it to himself, but his malicious first mate...  
  
_Barbossa!!! _  
  
...Barbossa made him give up his bearings. That night there was a...  
  
_Mutiny! _  
  
Could you please stop filling in everything I'm about to say?  
  
_Ow. I'm sorry. It's just... I already know these parts. _  
  
Yes, I know. But now I was going to tell you about his grand escape and all.  
  
_Really?? Oh please, do go on! I promise I won't say a thing again, honest! _  
  
It's the honest ones I want to watch out for...  
  
_What? _  
  
Never mind. Back to the mutiny. Jack Sparrow...  
  
_Uh..._  
  
...**Captain** Jack Sparrow had to watch his beloved ship sail away. He swore he would get her back. All that was left him was a gun with one shot and he might have shot a wild animal to eat, but instead he promised he would save this shot for his mutinous first mate. He would rather seek revenge than die. Now some people doubted Captain Jack Sparrow's mind and thought he'd gone mad with the heat, but actually he was quite... unique. He waded out into the shallows and there he waited three days and three nights until all manner of sea creature came and acclimated to his presence. And then he roped himself a couple of seaturtles, harnassed them together and made a raft. Yes, you heard well, seaturtles.  
You're quite stunned, aren't you?  
  
_Hm, we'll see. What did he use for rope? Let me guess, hair from his back? _  
  
Wow, you amaze me. Yes, at least that's what they say.  
  
_And you actually believe this? _  
  
Well, scientists say we do all origin from monkeys, so...  
  
_It's bull. _  
  
Ho ho, watch your language now. Alright, alright. I have to admit that it is pure nonsense. But fun, right?  
  
_How** did** he escape? _  
  
The true story is less fun: the island he was on was in fact used by rumrunners –do you know what that is?  
  
_It's a group of piratemovie fanatics on the internet. _  
  
Hahaha, yes that's right. But the original rumrunners used to be merchants who dealt in illegal liquor, like rum. They traded in secrecy and the island Captain Jack Sparrow was marooned on, was used by them to hide their bottles from the Navy. He had only been on the island for a few days when the rumrunners came by and gave him a lift.  
  
_Wow, rumrunners sound far more exciting than those stupid seaturtles! _  
  
You think so? Oh well, my mistake. Anyway, in the next ten years or so, our captain without a ship travelled around on his personal mission; to take back his Pearl and take revenge on Barbossa. It wasn't until he was captured in Port Royal that he saw his lady again.  
  
_Gah. _  
  
Ssh. Barbossa and his crew –who had found Cortez's treasure but were now doomed by it's curse- came to the city while they had heard the call of the gold.  
  
_Are you going to tell about that stupid medallion again? And that luuuuv couple? _  
  
What's wrong with you tonight? Being a bit rebellious? Little pirate yourself, aye?  
  
_That's because your story is crap! I wanted to hear about this wonderful, clever, amazing, unbeatable pirate Captain Jack Sparrow who was feared and respected by everyone! _  
  
I hate to tell you, but that Jack Sparrow never really existed, I'm afraid. So does this mean you don't want to hear more about him?  
  
_Not if he's going to act stupid again, like you already told me before. _  
  
Okay... I think that means the end of my telling. Too bad, stories about Captain Jack Sparrow are always fun.  
  
_Will you tell me another story? _  
  
Not tonight anymore.  
  
_Ooowww..._  
  
Nah ah. It's late, so no more stories.  
  
_Come on, pleeeaaase...?_  
  
You should remember this for the next time though, it's Captain Jack Sparrow's personal device:  
  
TAKE WHAT YOU CAN, GIVE NOTHING BACK!  
  
That includes bedtimestories too. Goodnight.  
  
_Blah. _


End file.
